DEALING WITH A HOMOPHOBIC DAD

Homophobic dad

Q: When my son was two he was playing happily with a doll. My husband got angry and told my son "boys don't play with dolls". Now my son is three and a half and wants to copy me by trying lipstick and nail polish. My husband is totally against this and says it will "make him gay". How can I handle the homophobic husband?

A: Psychologist Glen Stenhouse replies: Firstly, is your husband a generally reasonable person? If he is, there's a chance you might be able to explain to him that being homosexual is not something you have any choice about. A child's gender and their future sexual orientation are decided by biological factors in the womb. A gay child is born that way, end of story. Aversion to gays is as irrational as hostility to people of different religions or ethnicity. Gays and lesbians are just like everybody else, except that they are attracted to and fall in love with people of the same gender. If he's not reasonable, and tends to be black-and-white in his beliefs, you're probably wasting your time.

In regard to your son, although dressing up and playing with dolls is something that many boys do from time to time, if he shows a persistent and relatively strong interest in feminine play, this may be a pointer to his future sexual orientation. Having a relative on either side of the family who is homosexual also increases the chances that he may be gay. Knowing about this possibility - and I stress that it's only a possibility - early in your son's life will give you a chance to be prepared for issues that will arise when he moves into adolescence.

BABY SLEEP

Sleep expert, Dr Jodi Mindell answers questions about how to get your baby into good sleeping habits.

1. Should you start instilling good sleep habits from day one, or is it okay to let your new baby fall asleep in your arms?

No you don’t have to instill sleep habits from day one, they’re so little! In the first month or two parents just need to do what the baby needs. Rocking them to sleep or holding them all day is fine. At about 6-8 weeks is when you want to start instilling good sleep habits.

2. How do you get babies to sleep more at night and less during the day?

During the day wake baby for feeds, keep them in a bright part of the house, if you have other children don't keep them quiet, let the phone ring, keep your normal noise levels. At night, keep the room dim, lights low, move slowly. For an older baby, for example an eight month old or one year old who naps for a long time during the day, wake him from his nap so he goes back to bed at a reasonable hour at night.

3. Are there some babies who are just born worse sleepers than others?

Absolutely, and we have no idea why. You can do all the wrong things and they'll still fall asleep. Then there are others who are sensitive to changes in their environment. But it's better to introduce your children, from a very young age, to a set bedtime and routine.

MUMMY, DON’T LEAVE ME!

Learning to be apart from Mum or Dad is not easy for babies. And so most suffer, at various stages, from separation anxiety – becoming anxious and upset when you leave them, or reacting hesitantly with people they don’t see regularly.

Around the age of six or seven months, many babies begin to show signs of separation anxiety, and this anxiety can come and go throughout the toddler years. Often separation anxiety peaks in babies around 12 to 18 months old and usually disappears by the time your child is two or two and a half years old. But, to some degree, how badly they suffer from separation anxiety is affected by their personality – so some kids will find being left harder than others.

Why separation anxiety happens.

At about six months old, your baby begins to realize that you and he are separate individuals. As your child moves into toddler hood and preschool age, he may fear that once you’re out of sight you may not come back, or he may worry about your safety. All kids are different, and while one child may sail through this developmental stage, others don’t.

To ease anxiety for your child:

  • Spend quality time with your child. Children manage better in new situations when they have experienced lots of warm, fun and caring experiences with their parents.
  • When you are at home, minimize separations as much as you can and, where possible, take your baby with you if they seem anxious. Talk or sing to your child as you work. When you need to move from room to room, tell your child so they can follow, or pick them up.
  • Tell family and friends your infant is shy around others and suggest they approach your child slowly. Also, give your infant time to get comfortable around others. Take a favorite or familiar thing such as a doll, blanket or toy.
  • Respond to your infant if they are upset because they may become more anxious if you ignore their distress. If your baby starts to cry when being spoken to or held by another adult you will often be able to settle them with a cuddle.
  • Remember to stay calm when your baby is upset. They need to see you calm and relaxed.
  • Do let your infant interact with other people and go to different places. Experience will teach them that you are still nearby, even if not at home.
  • When you must leave your baby, be consistent in the way you do it. Help make them feel comfortable then find a regular phrase to use when you are leaving: “Mummy/Daddy is leaving now. I will be back in a little while. Bye.” Kiss and hug your infant when you leave and tell them where you're going and when you'll be back. Make sure you don't prolong your goodbyes and resist the temptation to sneak out the door.
  • Try to choose a caregiver your infant knows, or allow time for them to become familiar with a new person before you leave.

ARE YOU RAISING A CREATIVE THINKER?

It used to be thought that real learning was all about teaching a child to read write and do maths. However, there is growing recognition that developing our children’s ability to think and solve problems can be a better indicator for success long-term. Creative thinking is about questioning and experimenting. It is about picking up an idea and expanding on it. The best time to develop these skills is before a child turns five. Creative thinking helps children develop positive social skills. Many problems and ideas that children want to solve are solved best with another person or in a group. Children learn important lessons about working together and negotiating while they think creatively.

Try these ideas:

1. Stimulate their natural interests.

Children are quick to develop their own fascinations. If your child loves trains, for example, take them to a train station. Talk to them about how trains work. Go to the library and find out about the history of trains.

Using boxes make a train together. Work out how the boxes will stay together, and talk about all the parts a train needs to run. Instead of telling them how to make it, encourage them to come up with their own solutions. This method of learning works for any topic from trains to princesses to dinosaurs.

2. Get them moving.

Many preschoolers learn best when they are moving. Make up an obstacle course and try to work out different ways to move around it Or you could have them role-play everyday objects -- a toaster with toast inside, a lawnmower or a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about what their bodies need to show and ask them questions such as “How do you suck up dirt?” Or “Where do I plug you in?” Put on some music and get them to find different ways to move slowly or quickly, loudly and softly.

3. Play guessing games.

Guessing games are great for helping your child develop good questioning skills. You can focus on a particular subject such as zoo animals, farm animals or transport.

Take turns to choose an object or animal and the rest of the family asks questions to find out what it is. Make the rules looser than the original game so any type of question can be used. 4. Provide creative materials.

Provide your child with easy access to creative materials. Set up ground rules such as suitable areas and times to be messy and creative, and then let them loose with paper, pens, crayons, play dough, water play, pipe cleaners and music.

Children can use these items to experiment just for the fun of it. While it is good for them to use these independently, it can also be a good opportunity to expand their problem-solving skills. Talk about how to construct different shapes, make new colors or fill a page with a picture. Work alongside them rather than with them -- you could make your own creation.

5. Use misbehavior to promote creativity problem solving.

If you have a child who likes to unscrew all the handles off cupboards, or throw plates out a second-storey window, it is likely you already have a creative thinker. Stimulate their creative side positively by getting them to find a creative consequence for their actions. Brainstorm a range of solutions together and select the most appropriate one.

6. Record ideas together.

If you come across a problem or subject your child is fascinated about, make a chart of all the different things they want to know. Record their ideas and thoughts, and any questions they have.

Encourage your child to look deeper than “I want to know about...” to what they specifically want to find out. For example, if they are interested in how the body works, what do they really want to know? Do they want to know how we use food, or what our bones are made from? Asking your child specific questions teaches them to direct their interest and find the answers they really want.

7. What would happen if?

This is a good game to play in a car. Ask children to predict what might happen in a particular problem. These can range from serious problems such as “What would happen if no one put their rubbish in a bin?” to ‘What would happen if you grew wings? Brainstorm as many outcomes as possible, from serious to outlandish ideas.

When encouraging creativity, stay relaxed. Too much supervision and direction takes all the fun out. But do encourage your child to finish any projects once they have started. It can be tempting to take over when a child is flagging, but persevering will give them the most satisfaction in the end.

TEACH YOUR CHILD TO… CATCH A BALL

The best way to teach a child to catch a ball is to break it down into baby steps.

Before you teach your child to catch, teach her how to throw. Even if she drops the ball, praise any attempts at throwing. It will motivate her to “get” the ball and try again – “getting” the ball is the first step in learning to catch.

Once you move on to catching, teach your child to hug a ball by placing it gently on her chest and getting her to wrap her arms around it. Next, get your child to hold out her arms. Guide the ball to her chest in slow motion, encouraging her to bring her arms up and “trap” it there. Then ask her to “get” the ball and begin to pass the ball to her from slightly further away, increasing the gap as she gains confidence. Even if she drops the ball but then chases after it and retrieves it, you can still praise her success in “getting” it.

Keep the learning fun and give your child lots of high-fives, claps and enthusiastic “well dones”.Don’t pass a ball to a child’s face. Her natural defense mechanism will cause her to flinch or smack the ball away, and will dent her confidence.

You can begin teaching this skill once your child is confidently standing on her own, but if you want to start earlier, sit with your feet touching and legs apart in a diamond shape and roll the ball to each other.

The best learn-to-catch balls are reasonably large and made from soft, silicon rubber.

STARTING SCHOOL

Parents often think the kids who will do best at school are the ones who are already starting to read and write. But teachers say its kids who can get on well with other children, look after their own belongings and follow directions who settle in well.

Research shows that children don’t need to be formally taught to read before starting school – being read lots of books and having rich and interesting preschool years produces kids who are ready to fly academically.

Routines At preschool, your child has a fair amount of freedom to choose his own activities, but at school he has to follow the classroom routine – which dictates when it’s time to sit, read, write, eat, talk and play. If your pre-school has included structured times on the mat and set time for listening and talking, he should be used to this already.

Playtimes … Explain to your child he will only be able to play outside before school, at morning tea and at lunchtime. On his first day, your child will probably be matched with a partner. This child is responsible for showing him around, but can sometimes forget to take care of him during breaks. Talk to your child about what he can do at playtime, so he doesn’t feel too lost. If he has an older sibling, or you know an older child at the school, ask her to check on your child at lunchtime – the break can be very long if he can’t find anyone to play with.

… and lunchtimes It can be hard for some children to get used to the structured eating times in a school day, so practice eating at set times before your child starts school. Make sure your child can open his own lunch box and drink bottle; unwrap the food in his lunch box (you may need to snip the corners of packets to make them easier to open). Teach him how to pick a good item for morning tea and to leave the rest for lunch.

Hygiene Remind him he will have to ask the teacher if he needs to go to the toilet during class time (most schools devise a sign system for this). Make sure he can go to the toilet by himself, including getting clothes on and off, wiping his bottom, flushing, washing hands, including turning taps on and off, and can blow his own nose with a tissue.

Bags and stuff Make sure he has a bag big enough to fit everything he needs: a sweatshirt, book bag, pencil case, lunch box, sports equipment, library book and raincoat. If his bag’s too small your child is likely to lose things.

Label everything Parents of new entrants soon find out where the lost property box lives and by making sure your child’s clothing, shoes, even socks and undoes, are named will increase your chances of keeping track of them.

First day calm On the first day, make sure everything is calm and organized. Help your child pack his bag the night before and lay out his school clothes.

Work on before-school routines in the weeks leading up to school. Some parents even do a dummy run before the real school start. If you are planning on returning to work once your child starts school, consider delaying your return until he is settled in. Starting school is a big enough stress on its own without adding in any other changes.

Saying goodbye When the time comes to leave put on a brave face if you are feeling teary. If you are worried about how you are both going to feel, practice saying goodbyes at home cheerfully. Explain where you will be during those first few days and reassure your child you are only a phone call away.

LEARN TO BLOW YOUR NOSE

Most children don’t learn to blow their nose until they reach two to three years – although some 18 month olds will be able to manage. Try these games at home to teach your child to blow their nose. Practice when your child is well.

Tips

  • Rip up small bits of tissue and have a race to blow them across a table. Start by mouth blowing the tissue, until the child gets the hang of it and then show your child how to clamp his lips shut and blow through the nose.
  • Pretend to blow out a candle out with your nose Try making ‘elephant noises’ (blowing out the nose while slightly pinching it and keeping the mouth closed).

It’s important that children learn to blow their noses because nasal mucus, or snot, is actually washing viruses and bacteria out of the nose and sinuses. Ear nurse specialist at Greenlane Hospital Cathy Hanlon says yellow or green “snot” has bacteria in it and the longer it’s held in the nose, the more toxins can be absorbed.

IS MY CHILD CONCUSSED?

With the amount of exploring babies and toddlers do, falls are common. Head injuries can cause concussion.

How do you know if your child is concussed?

Developmental pediatrician Phillipa Clark says obvious symptoms include:

  • vomiting
  • headaches
  • sensitivity to light
  • having big sleeps
  • dizziness
  • unsteadiness

Blood may come out of the ears, or clear fluid may leak from the nose or ear. A few days after the accident you may notice ongoing tiredness, or more difficult behavior.

What to do

Take your child to a GP. If he is extremely drowsy or semiconscious, call an ambulance. Where mild head injuries are not checked out, children can go on to have problems concentrating, which affects their learning ability.

Keeping Safe

To keep your child safe, never use a baby walker, install stair gates and window safety latches in the house, buckle them in to supermarket trolleys, never put them in bouncinettes on tables, and buy your child a well-fitting bicycle helmet.

KEEP YOUR FAMILY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY

Involve your kids in making your family more environmentally-friendly. Here are some ways even preschoolers can help save the planet.

Recycle

Get your toddler to help you put out the weekly paper collection and plastic recycling bin. Get them to check the plastics by asking, “Does it have a triangle on its bottom?” Encourage them to remind you to take reusable bags when you go to the supermarket and help them rethink what you buy and the packaging it comes in. Go shopping at your local second-hand or op shop, kids can get a lot more for their money and learn about recycling at the same time.

Be energy efficient

Make one child your ‘light monitor’, responsible for switching off lights when you leave a room. Not only will you be conserving energy, you can also save around $50 a year. Help your child think of other ways they can save power. Talk about the water cycle and come up with ways to conserve and reuse water, like watering plants. Get them to think about where water goes. When you’re washing the car together, do it on the grass, not the road and explain that drains are for rain only because you don’t want dirty water and detergent ending up in the sea. Teach your child how to find out which way the wind is blowing by watching the washing on the clothesline or the leaves on trees.

Walk

Even if you only leave the car at home and walk to kindly or the shops once a week, you’ll be cutting your carbon footprint. And you’ll be getting some exercise too!

Be a tidy Kiwi

Don’t wait for Keep New Zealand Beautiful Clean Up Week in September or other organized clean ups – encourage your preschooler to pick up rubbish whenever you’re out walking. Does a household rubbish audit to find out how much rubbish you put out each week - the average New Zealander produces 2.5kg of waste every day! Get your children to think about where their rubbish goes and how they can reduce it by recycling, reusing or composting.

Composting

Get your children involved in turning your kitchen food scraps and garden waste into nature’s fertilizer by making compost. Make a Bookish compost bucket – get two buckets that fit inside each other and put holes in the top one. Put Bookish Mix in the top and add your fruit and verge waste. Put a lid on it and keep it in the kitchen. Your littlies will love watching it decompose into liquid which can then be used as fertilizer. Bookish mix is available from stockiest listed on the site.

You can also put scraps into a compost heap or in a black polythene rubbish sack, tied at the top with holes punctured in it. Leave under a bush and after six months it will be ready to put back onto the garden. If it starts to smell, just sprinkle over a handful of lime. Did you know that your compost can get hot enough to boil an egg!

Make a worm farm

Using worms to eat all your food scraps is also a great way for children to learn about organic recycling as well as how to care for animals. Children love watching the worms turn scraps into castings which are good for your soil and can be added to your garden and pot plants. Worm tea, the liquid waste they produce, is also a great fertilizer. Your children might want to bottle it and sell it! Before you start digging up the earthworms in your garden, you need a special type of worm and a dark, moist worm bin for your worm farm. Feed your worms food scraps, verge and fruit peelings, tea and coffee bags, coffee grounds, eggshells and vacuum cleaner dust. Don’t give them onions, citrus peelings, peppers, meat or spicy foods.

TEACH YOUR TOTS TO BE TIDY

Small children create a lot of clutter. But they can be taught to be tidy and organized.

Here’s how:

  • Make a game out of putting things away to help your child develop putting-away habits. This also helps them develop pre-reading and pre-math sorting skills.
  • If an entire cupboard of toys is strewn around the room it is too hard for very young children to know where to start to 'tidy up'. You need to work with your child, and give simple instructions, one at a time.
  • Help your child to put things away before he starts a new activity.
  • Provide your child with easily-identified containers, crates and bins. Don’t bother with lids. Use colors to help identify things. Ice cream containers are ideal as kids can sort things into groups – crayons in one container, blocks in another.
  • Low, open shelves work better than big boxes. Things are easy to see at a glance on shelves. Save deep trunks or baskets for bulky stuff like dress-up clothes or balls.
  • Use big colored hooks for hanging coats, hats, bags, skipping ropes. Use symbols, and name their hooks
  • Pre-scholars like to be where the grown ups are. So don’t bother storing toys in their bedrooms until they’re a little older. Keep toys and books in the kitchen or living room, at your child’s height for easy access.

BEDTIME DRAMAS

Won't sleep

"My two-year-old won’t stay in his bed. He hops out at least a dozen times. The only thing that works is lying next to him until he falls asleep. Isn’t there something else we could try?”

Once children can climb out of bed, they will often reappear -- asking for a drink, claiming they forgot to do something, saying they're scared. A regular routine is best – a bath, a drink, then teeth cleaning, before tucking them in, and reading a quiet story. Sometimes it helps to make a chart with photos or drawings of the child going through each of the stages, with the last illustration being "staying in your own bed until morning". Rewards and consequences can help keep wanderers under the covers. Maybe tell them they will find a sticker under their pillow the next morning if they stay in bed, or they can choose from two favorite cereals. Make sure you keep the rewards programmed short-term, though – probably no more than a couple of weeks. As you leave the room, reminds your child "it's time to go to sleep now". There needs to be a consequence if they don't stay – door closing can be effective. But once they are asleep, open the door.

Does controlled crying work?

"People told me to let my daughter cry herself to sleep. I tried it once but I felt like the cruelest mother in the world. I can’t face doing that again.”

Like it or hate it, controlled crying works, according to most of the experts. Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) has three different approaches to suit varying levels of parental tolerance of crying. The tougher the programmed, the faster the result. The hardest-nosed programmed gives the child a choice – if you stay in bed you will get a surprise in the morning; if you cry out or get up, you will be put back. For the first couple of nights your child could cry from 10 minutes to an hour. Go in after the first 10 minutes and reassure them, but leave quickly. This programmed should take about seven days, say the Triple P experts. The gradual approach involves leaving them to cry for five minutes then going in for a minute and patting them, reminding them you are there for them, then leaving the room. Leave it longer each time before returning. This will take about two weeks to work. The really gentle option is to lie them down, say goodnight, and lie down on another bed in the room, pretending to sleep. Leave when they have fallen asleep. This may take longer, but you’ll get there in the end.

Musical Beds

“My three-year-old comes into our room in the night. If we let him climb into our bed, we get a really disturbed night because he wriggles and takes up lots of space. My husband usually gets up and goes to sleep in our son’s room.”

If you don’t want him in your bed, you’ll need to be firm and consistent about taking him straight back to his bed. Tell him straight that he needs to sleep in his own bed. The ultimate goal is a good night's sleep for everyone. If he shares a room with a brother or sister who you don't want to disturb, maybe have another mattress in your room. A star chart may help him learn to stay in his own bed – you could promise a reward after a week of undisturbed sleep. Remember to offer plenty of praise when he stays in his own bed for the whole night.

Early Birds

"My daughter consistently wakes at around 4.30am. We've tried keeping her up later, but it ends up worse - she often wakes at 1 or 2am instead!"

All families need to work out what time is okay for the kids to get out of bed. In most cases, a 6am start would be the earliest acceptable rise-and-shine time. If your daughter can read a digital clock, try showing her which number needs to be showing before she’s allowed to get up. Tell her she can stay in her room and read books or play until then. Although it’s not what you’d expect, some sleep experts suggest that over-tired children tend to wake up earlier than fully-rested ones, so try an earlier bedtime and see if that helps.

Dropping the Day Nap

"My son is nearly three. If he doesn’t get an afternoon nap, he gets really hard to handle in the evening, but if I let him have a sleep he’ll often stay awake until about 10pm.”

Children drop to two day sleeps at around six months, and one day sleep at a year old. Usually between two and three years, they will drop the nap altogether. The "transition" to no naps is difficult. Parents have to decide whether to put up with a sleepless child who is cranky around dinner time or let them nap in the afternoon – and stay up till 10pm! One suggestion you could try is giving your child an early dinner – around 4.30pm before they get really cranky – then a supper before bed at 6.30pm if they have had no day nap. Over a couple of months, bedtime will ease out again.

Where to go for help

Plunked Family Centers offer help to parents in settling newborns, and many have sleep talks for parents of older babies. They also have a range of sleep videos: Hush-A-Bye, to recognize the tired signs in young babies, and Sleepy time, which is good for three month olds. Plunked Line 0800 933 922

Books

Sleep Right, Sleep Tight, by Rosey Cummings, Karen Houghton, Le Ann Williams, Doubleday. 1st Revised edition due November 2006. The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems: Sleeping, Feeding, and Behavior--Beyond the Basics from Infancy Through Toddler hood, by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau. Atria Books, 2006

The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, by Elizabeth Pantley. McGraw-Hill, 2002.

Settling the Young Baby - A Practical Guide for Parents, by former Plunked nurse Patricia Aley. Sleep Book, by Kathy Macdonald and Presbyterian Support Northern.

SUPERMARKET DRAMAS

Q: Supermarket shopping has become a nightmare for me. My two boys aged two and four are dynamite inside the supermarket. They start out fine but soon want to be out of the trolley and all over the place. I don’t’ like to make too many threats in public, but otherwise they don’t listen. Do you have any ideas? A: Psychologist Ruth Jillings replies It sounds like you and your sons have got into a negative cycle at the supermarket. The boys don’t like being cooped up in the trolley so they act out and you make threats and go quietly crazy. Sometimes the easiest solution to a problem is to eliminate the problem. Obviously you still have to eat, but it may be worth taking your sons out of the shopping equation for a while. You are not alone in dreading the trip to the supermarket. In fact, you may be able to use this to your advantage. Is there another mum who might be prepared to look after your boys while you do your shopping and you could reciprocate for her? Can you take advantage of late opening hours and get the groceries in peace while your partner or friend baby-sits when the boys are asleep? If you feel you have no option but to take the boys with you, then you need to be smart about the trip. Go early in the morning when you are all fresh and well fed and there are fewer people around. Give the boys clear and simple instructions about the kid of behavior you want. You might agree that you will let them out of the trolley as long as they stay near you and don’t touch anything. Have a list so that you can keep the trip as short as you can. It makes it more fun for your sons if they have some involvement. You may like to have a couple of “lists”: with pictures on and each boy can be in charge of reminding you about the things on their list. You could also consider getting each of them to help with (separate) simple choices. Finally, give the boys an incentive for good behavior. Let them know that there is a treat or trip to the swings if they behave well. Give yourself a reward too!

CHILDREN AND THEIR CLOTHES

How much choice do I give them?

Q: How much choice should I give my kids with their clothes? We have quite a few battles over what to wear and I just want to set some reasonable guidelines.

A: Psychologist Dr Ruth Jillings replies: Young children have so little in their lives they can control that some of them choose to exert control over what they wear. This is normal and healthy. Where possible allow the child some freedom to decide on what they will wear. But keep in mind that much choice is overwhelming for young children – select a few options and let the child choose from them. This reduces the wildly inappropriate options.

Some children have very strong views on what they will wear, such as togs in winter. This becomes a process of negotiation. Tell your child they can wear the togs as long as they have some warm clothes on top (or in some cases togs on top of the winter clothes.) Over time the really wacky outfits are produced less often because of peer pressure.

The issue of clothes has the potential to be a power struggle and masses of energy can be expended that is better spent elsewhere. Keep it in perspective: The quality of our parenting is not defined by how our children look. My youngest used to favor one pair of shorts and one t-shirt every day. Over time we have worked out a compromise that she can dress to her taste most of the time and occasionally I will ask her to put on something that I like. The paradox is that when parents take the heat out of the issue and give their children some freedom, over time they become more compliant because there are not the same attention rewards when making a fuss.

Is this a phase?

Q: Why do my little girls change their clothes a million times a day? Is this just a phase and what would be reasonable guidelines to set?

A: Psychologist Dr Ruth Jillings replies: Toddlers who change their clothes all the time tend to just be going through a phase. There is nothing wrong with it. The limits set on this would simply be in terms of a parent’s time and patience with washing. A practical solution is to make sure only a modest amount of clothes are easily accessible to the child. For children who like to play in their best gear – put all the special clothes up high.

THE FIRST SLEEPOVER

FOR SOME PARENTS, the moment comes as early as days or weeks after their baby is born. For others, months or even years can pass before they pluck up the courage to leave their precious offspring with someone else while they escape for a night.

But getting back into the swing of adult outings can be great for your self esteem, your relationship - and your sex life! After all, it can be easy to lose your perspective when you're up to your ears in baby rice and play dough every day.

Choosing the right time to treat you to a night away from the kids is an individual decision. For some, it'll be determined by outside factors - an adults-only wedding out of town, a business trip or the birth or a new baby, for example. For others, it'll be a daunting prospect delayed for as long as possible.

Generally, the earlier you organize a sleepover, the less traumatic it will be for your child (although not necessarily for you!). Babies can strike a period of separation anxiety at anytime between six and 18 months, so it'll be a big help if your baby is already used to staying over at Grandma's house by this time.

"The longer you leave it, the harder it gets," says one mum, who has yet to spend a night apart from her three-year-old.

One way of easing the transition is to have your sitter come to stay at your home while you go out of town or just pop up the road to a hotel. By keeping the child in her home environment, she can get used to the idea of being looked after by someone else, without too much disruption to her daily routine.

This is one of the times when new parents who have close family nearby are at a great advantage. Most of us feel more comfortable leaving our children with a grandma or aunty - or you might even find yourself developing a new appreciation of your mother-in-law!

If your family live out of town, invite them to come to stay for a few days, then after they're familiar with your children's routine, pop away for a night. Alternatively, maybe you and a fellow mum from your neighborhood could take turns to stay at each other's house and give each other a break.

Whoever you choose as a career, it should be someone your child is familiar and comfortable with, and ideally someone with experience in looking after young children.

Make sure the sitter knows your child's routine, but give them leeway to let the child stay up a little later, watch a video or have some ice cream as a special-occasion treat. Remember, you might want to do this again in the future, so you want your kid to remember it as a happy event.

Once you're ready to try a sleepover at someone else's house, a little preparation will help you a lot. Visit the house a few times in advance and pop baby into the cot for a daytime nap, so he gets used to the idea. If you're using a portico, practice putting baby to sleep in it at home so it's not a frightening new experience.

Pack your child's favorite mobile, music box and bedtime toys, so he's got familiar objects around him.

With older children, prepare them in advance by casually mentioning that they're going to stay the night away. Make it sound like an adventure - they'll pick up on the vibes if you seem worried. Leave a little note beside their bed, or a little present under their pillow to tell them you love them.

Often separation anxiety is more of an issue for the parents than their children. If you've never spent time apart, your child may cry a little when you say goodbye, but chances are the tears will dry up before you've reached the mailbox.

Resist the urge to prolong the farewell or go back. If worry is ruining your outing, phone home after half an hour to check that everything settled down. Take your mobile so you can be contacted if need be - chances are you won't, and you might be surprised at how much you enjoy having your life back!

TERRIBLE TWOS

From the tantrum at bed time to the screaming match in the shopping centre, it sometimes seems your child is constantly trying your patients. How could your cute little bundle of joy turn into a red faced shrieking brat?

Some people are convinced that an overdose of sugar can lead to a hyperactive child. A balanced diet may help even out those highs and lows in a child’s energy levels and temperament.

But then, how tied is your child? If your child has kept you up half the night you are usually a little tired and grumpy the next day. So why should you expect your child to be any different?

When your child lifts their feet and flies down the driveway on their trice, we swear they are fearless. But in reality new things can be very scary for a young child. They don’t know what to expect and don’t have the knowledge to explain those common place noises, tastes and experiences. A flushing toilet can be frightening to a toddler who has experienced it up close for the first time. The next time you try to encourage them to the toilet they may simply tell you they don’t need to go or put on a full blown tantrum.

While new experiences can not be avoided one train of thought says that routine will help keep your child’s behavior. A routine ‘teeth, toilet and to bed’ can take the strain out of bedtimes as your child knows the established boundaries. They tested it the first few times but now know what is expected of them.

“I CAN’T do it!” is the cry of a frustrated toddler. They slam down the crayon and the tears start. You ask what the matter is and all you get is another “I CAN’T do it”. As they grow they are learning but sometimes their body or speech can’t keep up with their knowledge. They don’t have the words to explain what the matter is or they know they want to draw Spiderman but they don’t have the motor skills to draw it the way they see it in their minds. Distraction can be an easy solution but you need to help them deal with their frustrations without going into a fit of temper.

And finally, is your child bored? You’ve heard the saying about idle hands…

Some rules for taming your toddler:

  • Be consistent – set the ground rules and stick to them.
  • Set routines for everyday activities – meals, bath and bed times.
  • Keep explanations and negotiations to a minimum – don’t be ruled by your toddler.
  • Teach your children to play fair and share their toys. The best way is to ensure they spend time with other children.
  • Try to find the source of the behavior and deal with it – if the child is tired send them for a nap or quiet time.
  • Monitor their behavior and deal with it before it gets out of control.
  • Try withdrawing your attention for a short period – most children want their parent’s approval… and with no audience what’s the point anyway?!
  • When all else fails many parents use timeout– it not only allows your child to cool down but it also gives you a chance to regain your ‘happy place’.
  • If your days start to feel like a series of battles it might be time to take a piece of advice from the experts – pick your battles. Winning the first three battles of the day can make the rest of the day go much smoother.

Between two and five percent of children suffer from ADHD, but it is hard to diagnose in preschoolers. If you feel your child out of control and may be suffering from ADHD get assistance from a child psychologist or a specialist parenting programmed.

But, most importantly, talk to other parents. You will probably discover your little monster is actually a typical toddler.

SIMPLE STEPS TO LOW-STRESS TOILET TRAINING

Embarking on toilet training can be a moment of trepidation for some parents. On the one hand, the thought of saying good bye to soiled nappies is a positive, as is the reduced weekly grocery bill. On the other, we all know there will be many messy accidents and infinite patience required before the objective is achieved.

In a new Little Treasures series, entitled Behavior Basics, registered psychologist Anna Malone, of Triple P, outlines some simple steps for keeping the process as stress-free as possible.

Most importantly, says Anna, your child must be developmentally ready for this big step. She lays out the seven signs for recognizing readiness in her article, such as wanting to watch mummy and daddy when they go to the toilet.

Anna also provides a five-point action plan for gently nudging your child towards understanding their bodily urges and using the toilet successfully. She emphasizes the need to keep the procedure simple and consistent.

"Nothing succeeds like praise," says Anna. "Give it abundantly - show your pleasure. Sometimes this can be just for sitting on the toilet."

To glean more insight on this tricky topic, read the June/July issue of Little Treasures, on sale from Monday 6th June.

ARE WE THERE YET?

There’s nothing worse than a back seat full of discontented preschoolers during a long car trip. The fights and whining can put you off leaving home at all. Here’s some tried and trusted ways to make the trip more fun.

1. CDs or tapes

Take CDs or tapes borrowed from your local library. Books on tape can be fantastic listening for both children and adults. The stories are often read by well-known actors, and are often easier on the ears than endless kiddie’s music. Spike Milligan’s Bad Jelly the Witch is magical for the whole family. And when it comes to music, don’t limit yourself to kids’ tunes – children love easy listening music or old classics like Grease too.

2. Rhyme stages

Break the journey up into stages and do it all in rhyme: Stage one ends with a bun. Stop to eat at McDonalds or a bakery. Stage two ends with a loo – everyone gets out to use the toilet. Stage three ends at a tree – stop for morning tea under a tree. Stage four ends at the door – you’ve arrived! You could keep this going endlessly: Stage five; we’re still alive, everyone gets out stretching their legs; staging six, picking up sticks.

3. Landmark treats

Pre-determine a few landmarks and dish out special treats when you reach them. For example, when we pass the pink house on the hill everyone gets a muesli bar, chippies all rounds at the first glimpse of the sea, honey sandwiches when we pass the honey centre.

4. Spotty

Playing Spotty is another way of passing the time. Spotty a boat and the winner is the first one to see a boat, shouting “spotty”.

5. Memory game

Memory game. Keep it simple. For example, "I went to the shop and I bought a fish.” The next person adds on: “I went to the shop and I bought a fish and a monkey… and so on.

6. Car colors

Each person picks a color and as the cars pass, counts up the ones in your color. The first to count 10 cars in their color wins the game.

7. Eye Spy

Eye Spy: Instead of “starting with the letter A” get the kids to spot something that is green, something that is red that has four legs or wheels on it.

8. Activity Boxes

Use old ice-cream containers to make up activity boxes containing a small mirror, kids’ makeup, sticky tape, post it notes, a few pencils, finger puppets, costume jeweler. However, be prepared to stop on the side of the road to pick everything up when they are dropped. Be careful of car sickness, many little ones can become susceptible if they have their heads down looking at something. Some children are better to focus on things outside the car window.

9. Childhood stories

A long car trip can be a perfect opportunity for you to tell your kids stories about your own childhood – what you were like when you were their age, what sort of things you did, and what your kids’ aunties, uncles and grandparents were like too. Or make up adventure stories that revolve around your children, and perhaps your destination.

10. Activity books

Hand out picture books or a clipboard with paper and felt pens (attached with string) for drawing. Magna-doodles are great or magnetized board games; activity, sticker or coloring books, or small whiteboards and marker pens.

COUGHS, COLDS AND BLOCKED NOSES

Pre-scholars gets lots of colds – 10 to 12 a year on average, and they usually last for a week – so it’s worth remembering simple ways to reduce the misery.

Clear the passageway:

A baby with a blocked nose will find it hard to feed and breathe. You can clear the nose of mucus by inserting a few drops of cooled boiled water into each nostril before feeding. This moistens the mucus and clears the airway. To do this, lay your baby on a flat surface and hold their head steady with one hand while you insert the drops into the nostrils. Wipe away any excess water with a tissue. You may have to repeat this every four hours or so until the nose is no longer blocked.

Take a deep breath:

A few drops of Karvol, a nasal decongestant, on a tissue tucked between baby’s vest and sleep suit can make a baby over three months of age more comfortable while sleeping. Vicks can be used the same way with a baby over 12 months.

Do not give cough or cold medications without discussing them with your doctor or pharmacist. Follow the directions of how much and how often to give the medicine. Always use child-resistant tops, replace the lid after use, and keep the medicine out of your child’s reach. Never give a child another person’s medicine. If your child continues to be unwell or worsens, see your doctor.

Don’t take it lying down:

Raise the head of your baby’s bed about 15 cm by putting a book or two under each leg at the top end. This can make baby less snuffle and help them to sleep. If you are using a full-sized cot, place your baby halfway down so his feet are touching the foot of the bed. This should stop your baby slipping down the bed under the blankets; however, check frequently.

Cool it down:

A fever is a sign that the body is fighting an infection. A baby’s temperature is usually raised (38ºC or higher) when they have a cold. Cooling tactics include taking off a layer of clothing, keeping the room cool, only covering baby with a sheet, offering frequent small feeds, or wiping baby’s forehead with a lukewarm (not cold) sponge cloth.

Are his ears sore? Often ear infections occur at the same time as a cold. If you suspect an ear infection, your baby needs to see your doctor immediately for further assessment. If prescribed antibiotics, finish the course of treatment even if improvement occurs before the end. Usually your doctor will check your baby’s ears when you’ve finished the antibiotics. To help prevent ear, nose and throat infections keep your baby in smoke-free areas, breastfeed if possible and sit baby up after feeding.

DIFFICULTY IN LEARNING TO TALK

Speech Problems

If your preschooler is slow to talk or has a speech problem, where do you turn for help?

Speech and language development varies greatly between children in their early years. While some have begun to string words together by 18 months, others have only mastered a few; by their third birthday some are prattling away endlessly, incorporating a complex variety of tenses and vocabulary, others occasionally stutter or struggle to master sentence structure.

With so much variation, it can be hard for parents to know whether their child’s speech and language development falls within the norm. Up to 10 per cent of children in New Zealand may experience speech difficulties. This figure includes children who are born with known causes such as cleft palate, Down syndrome and hearing loss. Among children with none of these causes, the incidence lies at between three and five per cent. There are, broadly-speaking, three different types of speech disorder to look out for: children who are late talkers, who don’t talk as much as is typical by certain ages; children who have problems with their language (either in form or use); and children whose primary problem isn’t language but word and sound articulation. Therapy takes the form of play-based intervention. Age and stage-appropriate toys and games are used, typically in games such as Memory and Lotto, or picture cards and games employing cause-and-effect strategies. Therapy can last anywhere from between three to four months, and two to three years, depending on the severity of the case. In New Zealand there are several different ways of getting your child assessed by a speech and language therapist. Many parents start by getting a referral through their GP, but parents can also contact the Ministry of Education’s Special Education office directly on 0800 622 222.

Children will then be referred to the local Early Intervention team for assessment. This system has the advantage of being free of charge because it is government funded, but also the disadvantage of waiting lists, which in some parts of the country can be frustratingly long.

Private therapists typically charge around $65 for a 40-minute session and can be found either by contacting the University clinics in Auckland (09 303 5979) and Canterbury (03 364 2408), or by contacting the New Zealand Speech-Language Therapists’ Association or www.nzsta-speech.org.nz. It is extremely important to tackle any problems early so preschool children have as much opportunity as possible to redress the problems before they enter school. So, if you are in any way worried about your child’s speech, pick up the phone and arrange an assessment.

Learning to talk

There are lots of ways you can help your child to learn to talk. And it is important – kids with good language schools have a head-start when they begin school.

• Children are more likely to talk early if exposed to rich and varied language as well as interest and enthusiasm for speech from their parents.

• Talk to your baby in “mothers” - that universal way of speaking to babies involving higher pitch, greater intonation, and slower speech and stressed words. For example, “Yes, that’s right, it’s a BALL.” Apparently children prefer listening to it.

• Encourage early attempts at “babbling” (from around six months). Babies who babble more start talking earlier and have larger vocabularies by 18 months. This is because we react positively to babies saying “mama” which helps them to realize words have a purpose.

• Switch off the TV and background noise. They will learn best from interacting with you and other people.

• Talk slowly and clearly, using simple words, so your baby can understand.

• Imitate your baby by repeating their first words and expanding upon them. Expand their language as much as you can, introducing your child to new words, adjectives and phrases.

• Give them lots of “wait time”, and don’t finish their sentence for them. Be sensitive to turn taking and allow them to lead the conversation. They need to learn how to listen as well as talk.

• Be sensitive to your own child’s developing vocabulary. Toddlers often develop sounds that mean something to them, if not immediately to you. For example, “ba” can sometimes mean bottle, “uh” up and “da” that. It is also common for single syllables to stand for complete thoughts so that “da” can mean “give me that” or “what is that?” The more encouragement you can give them the more likely they are to continue trying with more words and sounds

• Encourage their speech every way you can. Ask them to repeat the words you are telling them: “Look at that dog. Can you say dog? What sound does a dog make? Can you say woof?” Ask questions that don’t just require a yes or no answer: “Yes, Dolly is sad. What happened to make her sad?” Name their body parts as you dress them in the morning, count buttons and discuss color and shape of clothes. Count vegetables as you put them in bags and discuss their color as you go round the supermarket.

• Read to children as much as you can. It not only increases their vocabulary and makes them interested in books, but extends their concentration span. When you come across new words, take the time to ask them if they know what they mean.

• As they grow older, make sure you talk like a grown up. Don’t resort to saying “get tie” just because that’s how they say spaghetti.

• Correct any miss-pronunciations positively. If they say “tar” for car, reinforce their successful communication (it is successful because you have understood) by repeating the word using the correct form: “Yes, that’s right, it’s a CAR.”

SECRETLY LIKE MY BABY BEST!

I feel guilty, but I secretly like my baby best!

Q: I feel awful admitting this but I find my four-month-old baby so much easier to parent than my two-and-a-half year old. I am worried that it is becoming obvious in the way I act and speak to them both that I prefer the time I spend with my baby. What can I do?

A: Child psychologist Ruth Jillings, replies: It is brave of you to admit that you find one child easier to parent than the other. It is not something that parents usually mention but the truth is that it happens to all of us. Given the rapid developmental stages that children go through, in a family of more than one child there is bound to be one who is at a more difficult stage than another. The thing to remember is that this is common and usually the child who is easier to parent changes from week to week or month-to-month depending on the stage they are at.

Right now you have your defenseless, tiny baby and your normal, healthy, bolshie’s two-and-a-half year old, who is probably trying to claim most of your attention from the newcomer. No doubt you are exhausted as well. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t find this situation difficult. It is great that you are acknowledging your feelings. The key is that you don’t let your two year old realize that it is easier and more pleasant for you to spend time with the baby. The healthiest thing to do is to talk the issue through with someone you trust. Often just expressing your feelings can make the situation easier.

Also, please recognize with two children under two-and-a-half, you are going through one of the most difficult parenting periods. If you can give yourself credit for the difficult job you are doing and accept any offers of support, things should get easier. Finally, although this sounds contrary, see if you can arrange it so that you and your two year old get some time alone together. Often with some relaxed time you will find that you start taking pleasure in both your kids again.

WHAT’S IN THE LUNCHBOX

Toddlers Lunches

I always assumed that making packed lunches wouldn’t start until our kids hit school. Anyway, morning kindly shattered that dream, and out came the lunch boxes!

Every child obviously has different likes and dislikes, but there can be other constrains too. I have found some foods are too fiddly or time consuming and there are often kindly/crèche/centre rules you have to work with….

My basic rule for lunches is to aim for one sandwich-like item, one item from fruits and vegetables and one or two things from the extras group to keep it interesting.

You can buy packs of little zip-lock bags at stationery shops, these are great to pack with anything from raisins, to little crackers and make a nice little extra:

Here are some ideas to try:

Sandwiches • Sandwiches (try cutting them into shapes with cookie cutters to make them more interesting) • Flat breads filled with ham or luncheon, then grated cheese or carrot, rolled up and cut into slices • Fingers of cold pizza (if you have leftover pizza, cut it into serving sized pieces, wrap these in cling film, then pop them in the freezer until required – it’s worth making a extra pizza every now and then just to do this, they can go a long way in lunch sized portions.) • Plain or sandwiched rice cakes can make an interesting change • Small, filled soft bread rolls (or even sandwiches made with slices of soft French bread) • Cheese on toast or mousetraps (bread spread with vegemite then sprinkled with cheese and baked until crisp • Try a small container of noodle or pasta salad

Fruit & vegetables • Small containers of fresh fruit salads • Whole baby carrots or carrot sticks • A few pieces of dried fruit (apples, apricots, prunes dates, nectarines, banana etc or mixtures) • Boxes of raisins • A little bunch of grapes • Mandarins • Orange segments • Cherry tomatoes • Little celery sticks plain or filled with cheese spread or cottage cheese

Extras • Pike lets • Cheese and crackers • Cheese slices or segments • Little bags of popcorn • A small handful of breakfast cereals, such as Multigrain • A few nuts • A few mini-crackers • Luncheon rolled around grated cheese and/or carrot • Biscuits, muesli bars, slice etc (try making your own) • Tiny pots of yoghurt, or fruit or fruit puree • Hard boiled eggs

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

We want to be more open about sex with our kids than our parents were but how should we go about it to make it all seem natural?

Robyn Salisbury, psychologist and director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, replies: Good for you being aware of the importance of this. Talk to your kids about their bodies in matter of fact ways using the correct terms from birth onwards. Bath time is a natural time to do this as you wash each part. It’s just as important for them to know about their vagina, clitoris, vulva/ penis, testicles as it is their knees and eyes. As they move into toddler hood they’ll discover for themselves how good it feels to play with their genitals. Then its time to teach them this is something that’s done in private. They need gentle guidance that yes, that does feel nice but it’s something you do in your bedroom not in the supermarket! Ensure that while you may well tickle their little round tummies you never play with their genital area and teach them that isn’t something they do with their siblings or friends either. Occasions for sex education will arise naturally. A pregnant friend will generate questions about how the baby got there and how it’s going to get out. Talk to your local children’s librarian or bookshop about the best books to read to children to help them learn about sex. Make sure they include descriptions of sexual feelings as well as the facts

HE LIKES GIRLS’ CLOTHES!

Q: My six-year-old daughter dresses my two-year-old son up in girls’ clothes. She also does his hair and make up – and he loves it! Is this normal?

A: Auckland psychologist Jo Bowler replies; Perfectly normal. Your children are at different stages of understanding gender. At two your little boy is still very early in the process of learning that he’s a boy and always will be, whatever he wears. Gender constancy develops slowly in the context of the messages children get from parents and the big wide world. He will learn soon enough about how boys are supposed to behave and dress. It’s impossible to escape gender stereotypes that expect little boys to be staunch and play like little action men. For now he’s just a toddler enjoying his sister’s attention and she is just playing. By six she has already learned about what girls do, and that there is an expectation for them to be pretty. This play is much the same as doing her doll’s hair – she’s experimenting but she’ll eventually tire of this game and he won’t even remember it. You might however consider taking the make up away – especially if it’s yours!