GETTING ALONG WITH THE IN-LAWS

How to cope when the in-laws drive you mad By Dr Ruth Jillings One of my earliest childhood memories is seared into my brain. I was five years old, playing on the driveway, while my mother was chatting to her mum. Innocently I piped up: “Daddy hates you Grandma,” and was surprised at the look of horror on their faces. The tension between my father and my mother’s parents was common knowledge in our household, but I was too young to realize that this was not a topic for discussion. Family relationships can be difficult, and those with the “in-laws” can be the most complex of all. With your side of the family you share history and have an understanding (even if you don’t agree with it) about how things are supposed to work. With the in-laws everything is new and it’s easy to tread on people’s toes. The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in- law is the most fraught of all, especially if grandchildren are in the mix. How are your in-laws? - No problems - We love them, they love us. - Under-involved - I wish they’d show my kids some love and attention. - Over-involved - I wish they’d get out of my space. If you fall into the first category where everything is rosy, either they live far away or you are very lucky. A supportive relationship with the in-laws is a wonderful thing. The children benefit from extra people in their lives who think they are fantastic and will sit through kindly concerts and sports events. Parents benefit from extra emotional support and possibly practical help in the form of babysitting. The in-laws are rewarded with a positive relationship with their children and grandchildren. In short, everybody wins. In the second under-involved category the in-laws may have busy lives of their own, health issues or lots of grandchildren. For whatever reason, they don’t want to have much to do with you or your children. In cases such as these, it is important not to jump to conclusions and take the rejection personally. Sometimes in-laws step back because they are afraid their involvement may not be wanted, sometimes they are just not ready to be grandparents. Even if your in-laws refuse invitations, it is important to keep inviting them. Give them opportunities to be involved in your children’s lives. You can’t force the relationship, but you can keep the door open. Remember too, that a relationship can develop at any age. Susan’s in-laws were fairly uninterested in her children when they were babies and toddlers. Their house was not set up for young ones and they didn’t make any effort to get to know the children. However, after Susan’s children started school and through their teenage years, her in-laws were a great source of support. The third, and most tricky, category includes the in-laws who have an opinion (usually unflattering) on everything you do, from how you raise the children to whether you are in paid work, to how much housework you do or (meaningful sigh) whether you hire a cleaner. These are the in-laws who just happen to “pop by” at 8.30 on a Saturday morning to disapprovingly note that all three children are eating ice blocks and watching cartoons while Mum is “resting her eyes” upstairs. How to improve things Be objective Are your in-laws really so bad, or are you less tolerant because you are juggling work and kids and haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months? Negotiate Identify what really bothers you and negotiate it down to a compromise you can live with (you may not love it). If your problem is that your in-laws take the kids on outings and if all them to the brim with sugar, let them know how much you appreciate the outings and how much the kids enjoy them, but explain that it would be great if you could agree on a limit for the treats. Guide them in the right direction. Your in-laws may do things that annoy you, simply because they aren’t aware of what you want. For example, if your in-laws always buy inappropriate gifts, steer them towards what you consider acceptable. Let them know that there are some wonderful books that you think the kids would enjoy for their next birthday, or suggest a good toy shop that you know doesn’t have a selection of guns with supersonic sound effects. Pick your battles This is the same sanity-enhancing principle you can apply to living with children. If relations are strained, I’m sure you could identify a hundred things about the in-laws that bother you. For your mental health, the smartest thing is to let the bulk of that irritation go. Vent your feelings to an understanding friend and move on. Identify the things you absolutely can’t compromise on, and let the rest of the minor irritations wash over you. Deal with the main issues Dealing with conflict is not easy and it is very tempting to shy away from it. However, if there is an issue that is ongoing, it is better to confront it in a constructive way than let it eats away at you. Unless you are honest about what you want, things are unlikely to change. Planning is essential Identify your feelings, your needs and the outcome you want and plan how you will get there. For example, Grace’s mother-in-law consistently made comments about Grace’s parenting in front of the children. One night, when Grace came home excited about a possible promotion, her mother-in-law said she hoped she wouldn’t get the job because she wasn’t home enough anyway. Grace was wildly angry, but when she calmed down she realized that she couldn’t change her mother-in-law’s beliefs about working mothers. Grace instead explained to her mother-in-law the effects her comments had and asked her to limit them in the future. Rehearse Practice your key points. Outline the situation from your perspective, giving concrete examples of recent incidents. Visualize a win-win way to resolve the conflict. Choose a good time and a private space away from the children. Be respectful Consider the other person’s point of view. You may not solve the problem in one session. Be prepared to take a break and come back to it another time. Things may not change as fast as you would like but may improve over time. Don’t lose it Years of legitimate resentment may be seething within you, but little good comes from blowing your top. Usually everyone just ends up with their feelings hurt and relations become more strained. You will have more chance of getting your message heard if you calm down and think through what you want to say and what outcome you would like. Count to 10 (or 50) before speaking and if you are very angry walk away and revisit the issue later. Be grateful Your in-laws contributed genetically to your kids. No matter how bad things get, their existence gave you something very precious. Dr Ruth Jillings is a psychologist and mother of three. Psychology