TODDLERS WHO HIT

Stop hitting becoming a habit

Almost every child, at some stage, gets into a fight and pushes or hits a playmate. Knowing how common this behavior is doesn’t make it any easier when it’s your child that hurts someone, bites or pulls hair. Parents feel awful. It can help to look at why children fight and have some consistent tactics to stop it happening again.

Why does my child hurt or fight?

Younger children may hurt others without realizing what they are doing. Your toddler may also hurt others because of frustration or anger. At this age toddlers are very self-centered and only have a limited perception of others’ emotions and pain. As your child gets older frustration or anger is still a major cause of aggressive behavior. Older preschoolers may hit out at others if they don’t know better ways of problem-solving or communicating their needs. Hurting others may be a way for your toddler or preschooler to get what they want from another child, like the toy they are playing with. Children may also learn to fight by watching others. If children see adults arguing and fighting they are likely to do the same. If the strategy of hurting another child works, and your child gets what they want this way, that behavior is more likely to continue. Children need to learn acceptable, non hurtful ways of getting along with others and solving problems.

Prevention is better than cure

Toddlers: For younger children, try to anticipate problems and prevent them if possible. Be physically close when they are playing with other children and act quickly if your child is about to hurt someone. Aim to encourage sought-after behaviors. When you see your child playing well (this may be by themselves) give them lots of attention and praise them by telling them exactly what they are doing that pleases you: “You’re playing nicely with the trucks today Jim”. Your toddler may have difficulty saying what they want. Give them some words that they can use: “David say – John it’s my turn now”. Remember to praise your child, this time for nicely saying what they want. Children aren’t fooled by false praise. Ensure your praise is appropriate for the behavior they have exhibited. Preschoolers: Your preschooler will be interacting more with their peers and learning to play co-operatively. Give them attention when they are playing well, sharing or co-operating. Decide on a couple of simple rules for your preschooler about playing with others and talk these rules through with them. Tell your child what behavior you want to see, for example – share and take turns, be gentle, keep your hands and feet to yourself. You may need to set up activities that foster sharing, turn-taking and co-operation, like ball games and board games. Start by playing these games with your child and model the turn-taking behavior to them. If hurting behavior has been a big problem, you may like to have a short-term strategy of giving your child a reward for being gentle and playing well with others. Remember to tell your child how delighted you are when they do the right thing. For your preschooler you may need to begin teaching problem solving skills. Step in and help your child to solve a problem before a fight occurs. Even preschoolers have difficulties finding the right words. You can help by suggesting words: “Julia says – you have had a turn, now it’s my go”. When teaching problem-solving to preschoolers, ask them what the problem is, what each child wants and what they can all do to compromise.

What to do when your child hurts someone

Always act quickly when your child is hurting or fighting with someone. Stop what you are doing and move to within an arm’s length of your child. Firmly tell them what to stop doing and what to start doing: “Lucy stop hitting Peter. Ask him nicely for the blocks” If your child does not do as they are asked, choose a consequence that fits the situation. If there is fighting over an activity or toy, remove it calmly and in a calm but firm way tell them why you are doing this. “Okay you are not sharing the dolls; I’m putting them away for five minutes”. Be prepared for the protests that follow. Don’t engage in any further discussion simply carry out the consequence. When the time is up, return the toy/activity to give the children the chance to play co-operatively with it. If your younger child is hurting another, show them how to be gentle (for example shows them how to stroke hair instead of pulling it). Get your child to practice being gentle for a few seconds. If hurting continues tell your child what they did wrong and the consequence: “You are hitting Mia now you must go to Quiet Time”. Quiet time involves removing your attention for your child and having them sit quietly on the edge of the activity for a short time (half the child’s age in minutes). (You will need to separate children who are being aggressive towards one another). Tell them they must be quiet for two minutes (for a four year old) before you will come and get them. If your child does not sit still and be quiet them you say something like “You are not being quiet in quiet time now you must go to Time Out. Time out involves taking your child to an uninteresting but safe room or space, completely away from the problem situation. Again tell your child they must be quiet for a set number of minutes (again, half the child’s age in minutes is about right) before you will come and get them. When your child has been quiet for the set amount of time in quiet time or time out let them rejoin the activity to practice being gentle and playing well. The strategies of quiet time and time out need to be discussed and practiced with your child before you need to use them. Don’t expect instant results – it may take time for your child to learn the rules of being quiet in quiet time and time out.

What not to do:

Some parent’s deal with their children’s hitting or biting behavior by hitting or biting back. Unfortunately this behavior involves modeling the exact behavior you want your child to control. Some parents get their toddler or preschooler to apologies, but this is not usually enough to stop frequent hurting.